oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
