Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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