I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
