I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
