woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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