I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
