so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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