I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Randomize
