Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When are your genitals available?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
