Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Randomize
