Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
