It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
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