remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
