I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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