Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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