Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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