Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
