Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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