How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
