I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Duck Duck Cougar?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
