Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize