u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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