what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
