I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize