I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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