Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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