I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
