Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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