I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
