In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I currently don't understand fingers.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
