I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Randomize
