I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
