Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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