it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Randomize
