I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
