Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
