I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
