he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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