if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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