Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
