i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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