i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ladies don't puke and tell
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
