sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
