Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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