thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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