My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
