I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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