I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
