Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
