Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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