Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
