Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
