It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
As shirtless as possible
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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