She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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