birth control should be required to get into college
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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