So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
