My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
