I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
